Relationships

I lost two of my best friends in this world earlier this year, within weeks of each other.

Lita. I feel like nobody wants to hear about her. I think most expect me to be "over it," by now - all of three months after her death, which was incredibly traumatic to watch. I haven't even told most people the details of it because I'm afraid of traumatizing them. 

D. Yeah, I did complain about him. A lot. He did not treat me with much respect. But I still love him as my friend. I have for over a decade. And he was here. Until he wasn't. Most people would not agree with me on this, but I'd rather have a bad friend (to an extent anyway) than no friend.

I've been doing a ton of thinking abut relationships this year -- friendships and romantic relationships. I've been figuring out what I want and don't want.

What I want in my friendships and love life are pretty much the same with a few exceptions (noted).

• Honesty, compassion, consideration, open and assertive communication, encouragement, and a feeling of connectedness.
• A willingness/ability to take initiative at least a little of the time. I take nearly all the initiative in my relationships, which I don't mind doing, but sometimes it'd be nice if someone messaged me first or invited me somewhere or suggested plans instead of me always being the one to get the ball rolling.
• A willingness to communicate - this is one of the most important ones in any relationship I have. People who encourage me to share my feelings, even the not-so-happy ones and people who are willing to share their feelings with me.
• A willingness to work through disagreements in a mature, civil manner with no name-calling, insulting, etc. Willingness to compromise, to give as well as take. 
• People who are there for me when I truly need them.
• People who keep their word more times than not.
• People who not only say nice things but back them up with their actions. Don't get me wrong, hearing, "I love you," is great, but I need the action part, too. I've been working on stepping out of my comfort zone by being more expressive with my words, which is really difficult for me. If I care about you, I'm apt to show it by spending time with you, doing something for you, or giving you little presents. I like it when people show me love/care in this way, too. 
• People who are willing to share my flaws with me. What I mean by that is if I've disappointed or hurt someone, I want them to be able to tell me - hopefully in a kind way - that I've done something to upset them and be willing to forgive it and move on. I'm always trying to be a better person, and I rely on my relationships with people to grow into a better person.
• A desire to be physically intimate with me without wanting me only for that or demanding it of me. This clearly only applies to my love life, LOL.
• People who value me, my time, and my energy. I'm more than happy to wake up earlier than usual to spend time with friends occasionally, but need them to understand that it takes me a while to recover when I do this for them. People who value my time and energy as much as I value theirs. 
• I want to feel like I'm wanted. What I mean by that is I want to feel like the people in my life want to be around me, enjoy our time together, etc.
• People who can and will put their own needs aside sometimes to attend to mine. 
• Someone to eventually spend my life with.
• People who love and accept me no matter what I look like or what kind of day I'm having. 
• People who want to spend time with me regularly (if local).

Bottom line: I want healthy relationships - like the ones described HERE. Sometimes I wonder if this is even possible because I've not had many of them. 

And even though I want to have healthy relationships so badly, a part of me wonders if I don't have many of them because I simply don't feel like I deserve to be treated well and with respect. I'm used to be mistreated, treated poorly, people becoming very angry over tiny things, etc. 

Whenever I try to build a healthy relationship, I just hold my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the other person to get angry and leave. Waiting for me to screw up too badly so the other person leaves. Waiting for the other person to determine I'm too needy, have too much baggage, etc. and leave. Waiting for a mere difference in opinions or expectations to cause the other person to get upset and leave rather than work it out. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells with......everyone - if I'm not good enough, they'll just leave. 

Confrontation scares me to death. I'm terrified to even tell someone they've done something to disappoint or sadden me because I'm so used to them getting angry and, you guessed it, leaving. 

Because when your own mother can't even stand to have you in her life, when you're not even good enough for her.......who the heck is going to stick around? 

Yay for abandonment issues!

I take Carmine to the vet later. I am very anxious about it and had hoped to have someone to bounce some ideas off of. After Lita, I don't trust my judgment as much. 

AND I need to lay things on the table for the vet. And as I mentioned, I HATE confrontation. I haaaaaaaaaaaate it. I always try to be nice about it, but in many cases, I find that me expressing facts or how I feel about a situation doesn't go so great. So I'm anxious about it. But I need to lay it out there. I assumed they knew about my situation, but maybe they just don't realize......and I need therm to work with me or I need to take my business elsewhere. 

Tentative plans for Saturday. Half the time this friend cancels on me, so we'll see. Ha. 

Received a dinner invitation tonight. I kind of put it off for the moment. This guy is super sweet and we have a lot in common, but I don't want to accidentally mislead him. My heart is already somewhere else and has been for longer than I'd care to admit. I'd rather spend my time with that person, to be honest. 

An ex has been bugging me. I'll admit, he's good with his words, but his actions? Not so much. I've been ignoring him some, which is completely unlike me, but I just can't deal with it right now. I really need to sit down and figure out how to deal with it, though. 

My worst trauma anniversary is in January and need to make plans to keep myself occupied for a couple of days. The panic attacks started before Thanksgiving. The nightmares started a few weeks ago. Fun, fun, fun.......

All this relationship thinking has led me to a decision - I am going to resolve to focus on the positive, healthy relationships in my life in the New Year, nurturing those, and trying to stop caring so much about those who do not value me. I need to break my pattern of trying to "fix" the relationships that are not good for me.